50

Today I am 50 years old.  50 is such a big number.  At least, to me it is. My grandmother (from my father’s side) was 50 when I was born.  50 is two times 25.

I remember when I was 25.  I was working in Puerto Rico.  I had a permanent job at one of the local government offices as a typist clerk.  I thought that was it, even though I struggled with the low salary.  I thought that the benefits were worth the very low pay. I wish I knew better.

Recalling that by the time I had started that same job, my cousin who had moved to Texas recently went to tell me that she had come to take me to Texas with her.  I felt tempted, yes but I also didn’t want to leave my mother and sisters.  I was scared of being away from my family.  But God has a time for everything.  Maybe back then, the timing was not right.

If I were to talk to my younger me; what would I say?  I would probably tell myself not to get discouraged by depression.  A lot of my mistakes were caused by my internal struggles with insecurity and fear.  I would’ve advised myself to ignore certain guys that broke my heart knowing that I still ended up alone.  I would tell myself to make more in less time; to look for short cuts and don’t be afraid of big changes.  I should’ve stop looking for a comfort zone where I could feel safe all the time.  To get out and dare to seek for something different and better.  I wasted so much time being afraid of failure and not daring to persist and insist on working with my talents.

I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time thinking that youth would last longer.  I look at myself in the mirror and now I see my mom.  I never noticed before how much I look like her.  I hope that I can leave a good legacy to my daughter and that she turns her heart out to God in every season of her life.  We are still here because of His mercy and nothing else.

Just one more thing before I end up this post:  last night I received a message from God.  I had a dream where I was entering in an open room.  It was so clear; open windows, open doors and I saw a radio that was playing Christian music.  I didn’t recognize the song but I did notice that it was a female voice singing.  She had a beautiful voice.  I can’t recall exactly the lyrics of all the song.  But I do know that it was talking about Jesus.  The last words of the song were kept in my mind as I woke up:  “This is my final warning: I am coming soon”.

Here’s to the next 50!!

 

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